


Bringing Trouble to Barad-dur

by Chisscientist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Canon Compliant, Celebrimbor Has Issues, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Did not give major character death warning because characters are already dead, Gen, Gil-galad and Celebrimbor troll Sauron for the Greater Good, Halls of Mandos, Is Sauron technically dead at the end of Lord of the Rings?, Meanwhile inside Barad-dur, Namo Mandos did not expect this to work, Namo Mandos gets creative, War of the Ring, yes really I'm serious this doesn't contradict canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:15:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29924343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chisscientist/pseuds/Chisscientist
Summary: In the Halls of Mandos, Celebrimbor and Gil-galad receive a unique assignment: go as ghosts to Barad-dur and distract Sauron from his war against the free peoples of Middle-earth.MEFA 2010 Humor Incomplete 3rd place winner, which has since been completed.
Relationships: Celebrimbor | Telperinquar & Ereinion Gil-galad, Celebrimbor | Telperinquar & Sauron | Mairon, Ereinion Gil-galad & Sauron | Mairon
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	1. An Unexpected Assignment

Celebrimbor was sitting quietly in a corner in the Halls of Mandos when someone greeted him. He looked around, and then realized that Lord Namo Mandos was standing right in front of him.

"Hello, my Lord," said Celebrimbor cautiously, floating up from the floor. "I'm still not ready to go back yet, if that's what you're asking." Celebrimbor frowned as he realized how ungrateful that sounded. "I'd just create another mess," he tried to explain.

Lord Namo cut him off. "Actually, I was here with an entirely different proposition - if you are willing to listen before you start arguing."

"Yes, Lord Namo," Celebrimbor replied, wincing.

"Sauron is causing trouble again, and while we have sent aid there is a high chance that he will win."

Celebrimbor nodded grimly.

"The people fighting against him have a plan that may work, but they need all the help they can get. In particular, they need Sauron distracted. While we most definitely would not ask you to return in body to fight Sauron, I thought you might be willing to return as a fea with poltergeist abilities to annoy and distract him as much as possible. He would not be able to harm you in any way, but the knowledge you gained about him last time ought to let you know how best to distract him. Once the war is over, for good or for ill, you would return here. You don't have to answer now, but we need an answer soon. Events are moving quickly."

A chance to help fix the mess he helped create, and a chance to get back at Sauron... "You don't need to wait: I'll do it." said Celebrimbor.

"Excellent," said Lord Namo, smiling.

Just then, another disembodied fea glided up to them. "I'd like to join you, if I might," said Gil-galad. "I have more recent knowledge of Sauron than Celebrimbor does, as well as more knowledge of Mordor, the Kingdoms of Men, and the Ringwraiths working for Sauron."

It was Lord Namo's turn to look surprised. "I thought you liked the peace and quiet here. You were pleading with us not to re-embody you soon the last time I looked."

"Nobody can make me King if I'm not physically there," said Gil-galad, shrugging. "I had intended to get rid of Sauron, and I've always been disappointed that I didn't manage to finish the job. I also left a lot of people behind who are probably in danger from him now. Surely Barad-dur is large enough for two people causing trouble at the same time."

"I wouldn't mind the help," said Celebrimbor. "By all accounts, Gil-galad has managed to annoy him far more than I ever did."

Slowly, Lord Namo nodded. "However, kindly remember that you are there to cause a distraction. You are not there to win the war for the living - you are just there to give them a chance to win it themselves." He looked sternly at Gil-galad, and then continued when they both nodded.

"Before I send you out, I will give you three rules that will be obeyed or you will be brought back. One: you are not to directly attempt to kill Sauron or his henchman. Two: your poltergeist abilities to carry things will be limited to 2 pounds each. Three: you will endeavor to avoid harm to prisoners and other innocents. Any questions or comments before you leave?"

"Of course we would avoid harm to prisoners!" said Celebrimbor.

"In addition to being a poltergeist, if you so wish you can cause Sauron to see and hear you. No one else will be able to do so, and he can only see you if you wish it. Is there anything else you want to know?"

Celebrimbor looked at Gil-galad, who smiled and then looked back at Lord Namo.

"When can we leave?" Gil-galad asked.

Lord Namo smiled at them, and they vanished from that place.


	2. Lost in Barad-dur

Gil-galad looked around him, seeing a narrow passage of black shaped stone lit with Feanorian lanterns. Beside him hovered a nearly transparent Celebrimbor, his feet a couple of inches off the floor. "So this is Barad-dur," Celebrimbor said.

"Yes," said Gil-galad. He surveyed the passage again. There had been a few times that he'd been terrified that he'd end up here, and now here he was voluntarily. Life was strange... even if he were technically dead. "Where in Barad-dur are we?"

Celebrimbor visibly shook himself "I've no idea. I think we need to find a window. Any preference as to direction?"

"None," said Gil-galad and floated off down the corridor with Celebrimbor following him. There were passages, passages, and more passages which connected to other passages that led to rooms of unknown purpose that were mostly locked, but eventually they found themselves somewhere identifiable. The kitchens.

"Always useful to know where the kitchen is," said Gil-galad, looking around him at the busy meal preparation. There were soups steaming in huge kettles over even larger iron stoves, vegetables being chopped, and a pig turning on a spit. Obviously not orc food.

"Not quite so useful to us now, since we don't need to eat," said Celebrimbor.

"True, but if we can identify food as for being for Sauron, then we could do something unpleasant to it. What does Sauron hate eating? I've no idea."

"How would I know?"

"Annatar."

"Oh. He doesn't like fish. He doesn't much like anything to do with oceans or rivers either - at least if he was telling the truth. After all that's happened, he may just have been pretending sympathy because I have a foolish fear of the ocean."

"Were you afraid of cooked fish?"

Celebrimbor laughed. "No. I'd never have survived on Balar if I was, would I?"

"Then he probably wasn't just pretending. The vast majority of Mordor's creatures don't like water, so it would make sense that Sauron wouldn't. I doubt getting caught in the drowning of Numenor will have improved his opinion of water since you knew him."

"That would make sense. We would have to switch his plate with somebody else's, since I think people in here would notice if fish started flying through the air. I think it might be easier just to spill large amounts of salt over his food to make it inedible."

Gil-galad shrugged. "Does he have any allergies?"

"Not that I know of, but we aren't allowed to try to kill him anyway, remember."

"Old habits die hard. Now that we know where the kitchens are, why don't we try and find Sauron's quarters? There must be much more scope for causing trouble in there."

"When I find the dungeons, I'm going to cause metal fatigue in every piece of torture equipment I can find," said Celebrimbor, looking grim.

"You can do that?"

"I'll find a way. But first, let's go find Sauron's quarters." They started out of the room and drifted along yet another black stone passage. Celebrimbor suggested they go up: "He likes to be at the top of things, so he's probably near the top of Barad-dur."

As they climbed upwards, Gil-galad kept his eyes open for any sign of a record room, and suggested Celebrimbor do likewise.

"Definitely," Celebrimbor agreed. "We wouldn't have to make much of a mess to annoy or distract him. He's obsessively tidy, or was when he was in Ost-in-Edhil. I still think he's psychologically disturbed..."

"Crazy in addition to being evil? He seemed fairly logical to me in his pursuit of his purposes, however wrong his purposes were and unethical his means."

"Obsessive would be a better word."

"You do realize that people consider you obsessed by your craft," said Gil-galad.

"During the making of the Rings, they would have been right - although I've heard the same about you with regards to getting rid of Sauron. But where do we go from here?"

They had reached a dead end, or so it seemed. "That is a dwarf door!" said Celebrimbor, looking at it closely. "There must be something important behind here." He vanished through the door.

Gil-galad stared in shock at the wall. We can walk through walls? he thought. I have to try that. He drifted up to the wall and stuck out his hand. It it initially stopped just short of the wall, but then a spectral hand reached out through the door and pulled him through. It felt very strange.

"How did you do that?" he asked Celebrimbor, and then looked around. Lanterns were glowing far overhead, glittering off bins full of brilliant mithril, and shining from the assorted mithril arms and armor hung on the walls. The entire treasury at Lindon looked decidedly paltry by comparison.

Celebrimbor wandered over to a particularly stunning set of armour on the wall and reached out to touch it, then shook his head and turned his back on it. "Sauron's mithril hoard. He must have most of the world's mithril assembled here. For all the good it does - no one but him can see it. What a waste."

"Yes. I hadn't realized there was this much mithril in the entire world. Unfortunately it's too heavy for us to move any of it. Unless he's like a dragon and can sense if the tiniest piece of his hoard goes missing?"

"He probably doesn't come down here that often, especially if he is in the middle of a war. Let's go somewhere else." They glided back towards the door.

"By the way, how did you get through that door?"

"You just have to think yourself through it," said Celebrimbor, sounding a bit puzzled.

Gil-galad made an exasperated sound. "But how can I do that when I don't know what's on the other side?"

"You just have to imagine being through the door and looking at it from the other side. You don't have to imagine what's on the other side apart from that. We couldn't do this in physical form but in fea alone it's easy. Here, why don't you try it now that you know what's on the other side of this door?"

Gil-galad duly tried, and soon got the hang of it - once he got over his sense of panic at occupying the same space as stone and iron. It might be perfectly safe, but it didn't feel as if it ought to be possible. They moved on, moving upwards through the floor/ceiling if they began to get stuck. They found many interesting places along the way, and it took a great deal of time for them to get to Sauron's quarters.


End file.
